It sounds obvious, but we all have them. But how many of us can identify what they are, and trace them to their roots? Until earlier this year, I didn't know exactly what mine were, in a tangible sense, but I knew I was very much at their behest. Now I can name them and recognise them, which doesn't mean to say that they don't still drive me (because they very much do) but I now have the awareness and insight to know why I am the way I am, why I do the things I do, and why external factors that are beyond my control affect me in the way they do.
My core beliefs and values are very much centred around always wanting to do my best, be the best I can be, and always striving to be better. Not in the sense of trying to beat other people necessarily (although I do have a competitive streak) but in the sense of trying to outdo myself, trying to live up to very high, perfectionist standards which I set for myself (and which sometimes I project onto other people, in the sense of not understanding why other people half arse things).
These beliefs/values are part nature and part nurture, I believe. At least for me. From a young age I was heavily invested in, I was read to most nights and my parents paid for me to start nursery at the age of 2. My first memory is being at that nursery, picking up a pencil, and trying to write the letter 'a' and failing (because, duh, I was 2). I was disappointed in myself at that early an age. And maybe you can argue that perhaps I knew how much was being invested in me, and so that pressure originated externally. I can't say for sure.
Growing up my literary idols were Matilda and Hermione Granger. Both book worms, like me. Or maybe I was like them. I used to love going to the local library to try and find a book in the kid's section that I hadn't read. At school, I did generally quite well, although my Nan, bless her, would always ask why my grades weren't better. If I got a B, she'd ask why wasn't it an A, if I got an A, she'd ask why it wasn't an A*.
I was brought up with the belief that if you did well at school, you'd do well in life. And maybe that was true at one point in history, but it certainly wasn't my experience. Honestly, I felt bitter and cheated about it for a long time, and I think some part of me still is because the older I get, the more I realise the world is not a meritocracy. Perhaps it was naivete on the part of my working class family, who were proud that I was the first in the family to go to university, and had high hopes for me. But we were sold that dream. Of university being the key that unlocked social mobility. And perhaps it would have been if 2008 hadn't happened (which happened to be the year I graduated, lucky me!) or maybe aiming for 50% of young people to go to university without having an equally sized graduate job market for them to go into played a part. Who knows.
There is no doubt in my mind that going to university (twice) has benefited me in the long run, both financially, and in terms of equipping me with the skills to think critically and embrace life long learning. But having my core beliefs shattered in my early 20s left me pretty resentful of life for a while. A combination of a year of unemployment and then 2 years in a job where I felt bullied, underappreciated, and miserable, plus another few months of being unemployed after being made redundant from the job I didn't even like, only to be taken back on worse terms and conditions, did a lot of damage to my self esteem and a sense of self worth. Not to mention my belief in a system which I bought into where the mantra was that if you worked hard, you got along in life. There was some personal stuff that went along with that time period that left me equally shattered, but I'm not going to go into that here because it's honestly still a bit raw, even though it was 8 years ago now, and it doesn't bear much relation to my core beliefs/values.
You'd think after all this, I might've stopped believing in perfectionism, that I'd realise that even if it was achievable (which, lol, I still believe it is even as I type this, knowing that nobody is infallible, and sometimes you have to accept that things are just good enough) that sometimes life throws you curve balls which are not within your control, that might well be unfair, but that you have to navigate because at the end of the day you either keep trying or you let the world defeat you.
But my perspective has changed slightly. At the end of the day, what is the point in constantly striving? What are we trying to climb the ladder for? Personal success? Professional success? Accolades? Money? Wealth? The approval of our peers? Does that any of that on its own give a person a sense of satisfaction and happiness? Or is that you spend your life constantly chasing something that is unattainable, purely because nothing will ever be enough? And that even if you get to that mythical pinnacle, perhaps you will be exhausted by the time you get there, and find that you've spent your entire life trying rather than living?
However, with all that said, I'm not going to stop trying. Because that's who I am, at my core, for better or for worse.
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