It undoubtedly is the case that in western society today, monogamy (or serial monogamy) is the norm. But it's more than just that, it's the assumed goal of dating. The desired end game that everyone is participating in when swiping left or right on Bumble or Tinder etc. I don't even think it's that hard to figure out why this is. Our economic system of capitalism (I can already feel some people rolling their eyes) is greatly benefitted by perpetuating this relationship structure because it is hugely profitable. Two people meet, they fall in love, they decide to get married/purchase property/have children etc. All these things contribute to a conveyor belt of life stages, which most people feel compelled to participate in, or else feel less than because of their lack of achieving these 'life goals'.
This is why, when Covid-19 hit, the vast majority of guidance provided centred around the assumption that most households comprised of a nuclear family unit. You could argue that as this structure does indeed make up the majority, this was the right thing to do, but it left a lot of people unseen. Now I'm not arguing there should have been special dispensation for those in non monogamous relationships. But a bit of acknowledgement of the tough position the pandemic put these people in might have been nice. Especially since it was very clear to people of a particular age that those who weren't even in relationships were often not playing ball and bed hopping even during the first lockdown.
I went through a break up last year, but even before that thoughts around monogamy and its position of dominance had been percolating through my mind for some time. And from conversations with friends who are or have also been in long term relationships, I know I'm not alone. We're living longer than ever, and thus the concept of being with someone forever means significantly more than just a few decades ago when life expectancy was lower. And now we have dating apps and social media, constantly making us compare ourselves, and serving up alternatives prompting us to think 'what if', is it any wonder we're questioning whether a way of living that largely made sense in the 20th century, makes any sense for the 21st?
Alongside doing a lot of thinking, and talking, I've been doing a lot of reading. The heteronormative patriarchal society has long been on my radar as toxic, to all genders (come at me TERFS, I dare you) and highly restrictive but I always felt like there was no way out of it, that it was a trap that we were all doomed to fall into, even if we were queer (which I am). Because a lot of the narrative around LGBTQIA+ rights has been around queer people being just the same as the straights, talking about love and marriage, and kids. All power to my fellow queers who want those things, but it does concern me that some might feel the need to perform their sexuality in this way in order to be accepted by 'normal' folk.
Whatever you call it; polygamy, polyamory or ethical non monogamy, it's a rabbit hole I can't help but feel drawn into, much as I know it will likely land me in more controversy than being a straight presenting bisexual. Being non monogamous isn't inherently queer, however it is, I think, queer adjacent, in that as much as it is perceived as more of a choice than sexuality, which many argue is inherent (although I don't personally see why even if it were a choice for some, why that makes it a Bad Thing) it is still a way of doing relationships that is seen as subversive and not the norm, and can often (but not always) come with other interests which society also deems it appropriate to shame.
I don't profess to be an expert on any of the above. I am on a journey much like anyone in terms of discovering myself and the world around me. Everyone is fallible, including me, and we all can learn and grow, and change our minds. That said, this is where I stand as of this moment in time. With lots of thoughts, no real answers, but a fairly sizeable sense that I do not want to live going forward as I have in the past. The pandemic has changed us all, some more than others, in ways we're both aware of and ways in which we aren't. This is mine.
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